Monday, October 22, 2007

Politics and religion are best avoided when talking to monkeys

"The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys." According to the BBC.

It's like they say, if you pay peanuts, you'll get hounded to your death by angry monkeys.

Saturday, September 22, 2007


I was in Munich this week so I popped in at Oktoberfest. Imagine Benny Hill had been commissioned to make a promotional video for Germany and was heavily influenced by the Mardi Gras acid sequence in Easy Rider.

Sadly, I had a flight to catch.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Lonely Hearts of Scotland

Extracts from the lonely hearts pages of a Scottish publication:

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,Gemini, seeks nimble s@xpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous s@x addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 3/41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b@stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
Box 42/30

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Pavarotti is kaput

This is how the news was announced to me by a Spanish friend this morning. It was awkward to be told a sad thing in a way which made me laugh. Kaput!

I have a colleague whose resting physical state at room temperature is "frenzy". She told me the other day about a death in the company. As she told me, her eyes were wild with astonishment and her hair twitched with the weight of an undropped bombshell. The gist of the conversation is reproduced below (some details have been changed to protect the dead).

Frenzied Colleague: You know Bob Dead, works in accounts in North America?

Bob Hughes: I know the name

FC: Young guy, not yet 40?

BH: Erm, yeah?

FC: he goes into hospital one day - and guess what? He never comes out! Died! Dead! Young guy just drops dead!

BH [smirking inappropriately]:
wow, er, that's awful.

And it is awful. But the delivery was priceless, which made me feel like a sicko for wanting to laugh.

The fat man has sung.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Sports news

"I felt Gay coming on my shoulder and that's when I panicked. It slowed me down."

Well you would, wouldn't you?

Sports news

Saturday, August 25, 2007

The Quiet American Fratboy

CIA operatives have allegedly inserted "Wahhhhh!" into the Wikipedia entry on President Ahmadinejad. Full story here.

In defence of the United States.

Am I the only one to be disappointed that CIA psy-ops don't seem to have moved on from writing "douchebag" on Todd's football locker?

CIA operatives wind down during a recent conference, "Creating a complex, adaptive intelligence community in the post-9/11 actuality."

Hat tip: thanks to Daveboy for reminding me to post this story.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The terror threat

"A 12-year-old boy was charged with assault and taken before the courts - for throwing a cocktail sausage.

Full story here.

I'm with the police on this one. This week it's sausages, next week it'll be cheese and pineapple cubes.

There's a firm body of evidence to suggest that people who start with finger foods soon escalate to starters, then main courses. Before you know it, the young oik will be marching about hurling ham shanks at an unsuspecting public. Slippery slope, mark my words.

In other news this week, Italian police have uncovered an arms cache, allegedly belonging to a group of right-wing militant chefs, in a bakery near Milan. A spokesperson for the police said they had found a "number of cream-based missiles" and at least one delivery mechanism.

Cream-based missiles