tell him to stick his verisimilitude up the eye of his arse

More on Spanish swearing. This gem was uttered by my oh-so-dainty Spanish (female) friend.

Gotta love 'em.

For any budding Spanish speakers, this is:

"Dile que se meta su verosimilitud por el ojo del culo."

It's the level of detail which impresses me most.

Chutzpah

Donald Rumsfeld was ranting the other day that China has been increasing its military spending without an immediate military threat. According to the righteous old bore, China has risen to the number three spot in military spending.

That takes quite some face, given that Rumbo´s very own defence budget not only takes the number one spot, but is eighteen times that of China (or 7.5 times if you take US figures).

I shit in the milk!

¨The weather, the food and the swearing,¨ these are the things that a Spanish friend of mine missed during a year in the UK. In fucking Glasgow of all places. Swearing was up there at number fucking three.

Contrary to popular fucking suspicion, Anglo-Saxon swearing is fucked. Not half as good as our Latin, Indian or African cousins.

The title of this post is a direct translation from the Spanish, me cago en la leche. Fuck knows what it means; it is, like much of Spanish swearing, a fairly flexible phrase used in good, bad and indifferent situations. The English equivalent would almost certainly be fucking hell!

Then there is me cago en la hostia (I shit on the body of christ) for which the English equivalent would almost certainly be fucking hell!

Swearing is a much greater part of the Spanish culture. A quiet and unassuming Company Legal Secretary I know, is fond of asking which party has taken their trousers down and been fucked in the arse, when checking the progress of his staff´s negotiations.

In the delicatessen the other day, I spotted a can of green beans with the brand name: judias cojonudas (bollockingly good beans).

Un piso de puta madre (a flat of the whore´s mother) is a very desirable place to live. Fucking nice flat would be a reasonable translation. What got to my foul-mouthed and homesick friend the most was the lack of variety "everything in england is fuck, whereas in Spain we have joder (fuck) but we have so many more ways to swear." She went on to list me cago en tus
muertos (I shit on your dead family), qué te den por culo (I hope they fuck you up the arse)...

Anglo-saxon filth is fucking prosaic by comparison.

Wanted - web designer, must be fresh from fight

I was offered 2 tickets for the price of one to a Bonnie Tyler concert today. This has nothing to do with the waning stardom of one of rock and roll's most appealing artists. It has everything to do with how much one of rock and roll's most appealing artists values me as a fan and, no doubt, friend. I'm probably one of her most appealing fans.

Alas, I have other plans.

But I did take the opportunity to look at Miss Tyler's website (www.bonnietyler.com) and, I must admit, I thought one of rock and roll's most appealing artists could have done better.

So any budding designers of bonnie websites out there should get in touch and do their bit for soft rock.

It seems Miss Tyler is big in Germany. This is right and proper. Her brave offer of a signed sports-bra to Mr Gorbachev in return for calling it a day on the global domination front has gone egregiously unsung in my view.

Just like that beef-wit, Reagan, to lap up all the credit.

killers born naturally

I am something of an Economist addict. I love the writing, which is always clear, interesting and to the point. Anyway, that's beside the point. This post is about murder.

Last week's Economist contained news that psychopaths are born and not made. Actually, it contained news that psychopaths MAY be born, as opposed to nurtured. Well, strictly speaking, there's still hope for them even then, so long as they aren't dragged through childhood by bastards. That is "bastard" in the common usage of the word - the illegitimacy of their parents was not mentioned.

I can see how Tony Blair cocked up that dossier so badly. It's not easy writing arresting prose when everything has to be true.

Deep throat fingered!

fnrr, fnrrr.

Ok so I'm late with the news and the gag is at least as old as the nickname but...wait a minute...is it possible to make a double entendre about an already double-entendred nickname? And what are the odds on that being the subject of a research grant proposal?

My very doobling of the entendre probably reveals something uncomfortable about my inner desires.

Perhaps, deep in the shadowy cloisters of my id, I fantasise about stolen trysts in a secluded garage, furtively arranged by drawing a clock-face on a daily newspaper.

Oooooooh yes, that's it....blowing a whistle....while two men in dark suits bungle a burglary.

Mmmmh, and a hard-drinking, grumpy old chap brooding in the background, whitewashing an already-white-but-forever-stained house (sweet irony!)...ooo-ooh yeeeeah.

Wha??? Where am I??

Shit, I've drooled.